another philosophic exploitation of experience

the ancients used to say that matters of love should be left for philosophers and poets to decipher. unfortunately i have meddled too much and discovered very little; other than my own fears, limitations, scrutiny and pain. my own suffering. i am a narcissist. i live to suffer. it gives me material. it helps me feel. who could torture themselves this way and not be completely and genuinely obsessed with themselves? true happiness hinders my dreams. i am not ready for it, i don't want it. not now, not until i am ready to be bored. remember when you told me that you thought you didn't feel? i know you loved me, but only now do i really understand what you meant. it's hard to feel being a dreamer because nothing seems real. only the imagination is real. i understand. i forgive you. you probably thought i didn't feel much either. maybe that's why we were so good together. and those nightmares. my faceless face. why wouldn't i talk to you? why did i make you cry? why didn't i care? i can be heartless, i know. so many years have passed. somehow i never give up trying to find what i'm looking for. ideals and perfection. impossibilities. dreams. my dreams are real. only you gave me that. reality is too mundane. i imagine everything i want and it changes everyday. i am too vain, too stubborn, too selfish, too proud, too cold. yet i am at the same time so jaded, so compassionate, so sensitive, so loving, so attentive, so nurturing. i am polar. its hard to live being pulled apart this way. i want the world and i'll never rest until i have it all. to the men i've loved, i'm sorry for my lack of compromise. i wish i could relax too. but instead i am impossible, restless and anxious and reactionary and passionate. too passionate? nothing is good enough for me. nothing is ever enough. except for you, baby, and mama misses you very much. no one has ever replaced you in my heart. sometimes i get scared thinking no one ever will. but i have to keep searching. i have to keep moving on. i thought i wanted normalcy too. but i really don't.