storytellers

johnny cash is a pisces i should have known. i hope one day i've been everywhere too, man. drifter! i can float around in the raspy currents and end up on any shore, i'll tell the same stories and sing the same songs.

sensitive roots

another philosophic exploitation of experience

the ancients used to say that matters of love should be left for philosophers and poets to decipher. unfortunately i have meddled too much and discovered very little; other than my own fears, limitations, scrutiny and pain. my own suffering. i am a narcissist. i live to suffer. it gives me material. it helps me feel. who could torture themselves this way and not be completely and genuinely obsessed with themselves? true happiness hinders my dreams. i am not ready for it, i don't want it. not now, not until i am ready to be bored. remember when you told me that you thought you didn't feel? i know you loved me, but only now do i really understand what you meant. it's hard to feel being a dreamer because nothing seems real. only the imagination is real. i understand. i forgive you. you probably thought i didn't feel much either. maybe that's why we were so good together. and those nightmares. my faceless face. why wouldn't i talk to you? why did i make you cry? why didn't i care? i can be heartless, i know. so many years have passed. somehow i never give up trying to find what i'm looking for. ideals and perfection. impossibilities. dreams. my dreams are real. only you gave me that. reality is too mundane. i imagine everything i want and it changes everyday. i am too vain, too stubborn, too selfish, too proud, too cold. yet i am at the same time so jaded, so compassionate, so sensitive, so loving, so attentive, so nurturing. i am polar. its hard to live being pulled apart this way. i want the world and i'll never rest until i have it all. to the men i've loved, i'm sorry for my lack of compromise. i wish i could relax too. but instead i am impossible, restless and anxious and reactionary and passionate. too passionate? nothing is good enough for me. nothing is ever enough. except for you, baby, and mama misses you very much. no one has ever replaced you in my heart. sometimes i get scared thinking no one ever will. but i have to keep searching. i have to keep moving on. i thought i wanted normalcy too. but i really don't.

yes please

my life is about me

and me only

warmest winter

its february, the month of my birth. the coldest, bitterest of all months, i used to remember. last winter i thought the ice might never melt, the snow might never stop falling. how we cooped ourselves up in that apartment and watched silently from the windows as it closed us in deeper and deeper. it did end, of course, in april. and may was wonderful, blazing yellow and aromatic until your birthday, vanessa. this is the warmest winter i can remember. and i've never felt this sad before. never felt so hopeless. cattails and brown and yellow and burgundy bleak. thrashing rabies shoreline. there is no ice this year, great ones. no stillness here. barren branches, a shady patch of snow. mossy fauna strays and wanders. eternal spring. there is no sunshine here. not where i come from. not where i go. the odd pine, rails and rocks and empty riverbeds. the factory smoking stacks. cement is flat the shiny tracks. everything is blurry here. where i come from and where i go. muddled with tears and salt stained windows. everyone has a dirty car. grey and white and cloudy and black. everything is darkness here. where i come from and where i go. it's the warmest winter i can ever remember. i should be happy but instead i'm sad. yeah it's not where i come from but where i go. for now i'm frozen shut waiting at the tracks for this train to take me where i'm supposed to go.

nervous person

nerves nerves nerves

havent you heard

i bite my nails til they bleed

i got the anxiety

you should have known

i really cant settle down

nerves nerves nerves

havent you heard

girl can move to any beat

shes got the anxiety

no she cant help it at all

might start up a brawl

good woman

good woman mouth shut

good woman don't talk back

good woman die for you

good woman expire soon

good woman give you

good woman kneel down

good woman let you

good woman stay put

good woman, don't read

new diet

fucking coming loving sucking holding wanting needing eating bending kneeling grasping biting fighting spitting scratching squirting groaning grunting moaning mounting riding rubbing gently touching pulling spanking pushing panting twisting whipping penetrating bruising tearing ripping gagging choking chasing drinking smoking

my healthy lifestyle -

lacking focus & foresight

your childish smile

and rosy cheeks

make my heart skip a beat

and those eyes -

oh boy, those eyes...

--------

our silence is booming

and dynamic

(energetic)

in a crowded room you take pride in me

and subtly show me off

by touching my arm

your pet i've become

but what else?

for now its better left unsaid

--------

regimental accuracies of thought & action secure fantasies of sadomasochism. i do not want to wield any control. that is your fate, your fortune. not mine. you are a gypsy & a clairvoyant. you are a shaman without knowing it. draconian morality, you hypocrite it makes no sense. what do you want from me? my precious, timeless, youthful energy? my fountains of creativity? i am slave, i am child for you. woman to the world. oh, how you channel me this way..!

tea time

you have appeared

out of nowhere

like a divinely ordained

epiphany

but this is only coincidence

or some haphazard

ironic fate

two lovers meet

on full moon dates

to be animal

is to trust our instincts

& how could we not be wild?