nor am i

nor am i
the beginning
or the end
but a vicissitude
of beginnings
churning over
and over
and over
again

my walls

i am worthless, small, stupid, insignificant, ineffectual, human, slowly, dying. how many times in a day does such a thought cross the frail human mind? yet here i am, holding the key to my own power, righteous, enlightened, firm. i have built my walls greater than ever before. they are thicker, stronger, taller, wider, made with better materials, by better craftsmen, in a better place. they are resistant to fire and disease. they contain all my secrets, my desires, my spirit. they protect my virgin-hood. my walls can only be flooded, from the heavens above.

digging deeper

i used to laugh
at women studying women
because i was afraid
of digging deeper
than i had already gone

i need to know:

who closes their eyes
and forgets?

heart of glass

my heart
is made of glass

it used to be a perfect vase

you remarked how sad
my flowers were
once dried

but i saw the beauty 

in being forever
alive

we are four

i have a brother
with thick brown hair & scared eyes
he inhabits my body
because he completes me
i have another brother
he lives and breathes
with the grace of god in his eyes
because he is an Artist
i have a sister
with eyes that seethe green

rebellious in her spirituality
because she is misguided

we are four
we even the score
bonded by
the same whore

swinging there

A. came and he is late. he is coming to get his things, there he goes again, coming and going. maybe i kicked him out or he is living somewhere else, but he has to go now. i look down at him over the bannister of the white staircase. he gives me a big Fake smile so i know he is there. he is angry underneath the skin, but he whistles and sings to himself as he gathers his things. he reminds me of T., the gap between the two front teeth. sometimes i am afraid he wants to kill me. C. and i rifle through a bag of his things, full of women's makeup and some pills. i try waiting for him in the small room but we keep coming in and out. then we are swinging there, high above the trees, facing one another.