christmas miracle

thank you Jesus
for dying for our sins
I guess your mother
was a prostitute.
the poor need a reminder
of their poverty.
Ho Ho Ho
'Honour thy parents' -
be good.
don't talk back.
Do Not Bother Me
jesus said,
I am drinking wine
made from water.

perfect yet

i will be
your perfect pet
one day soon
when i am perfect
yet

understood

i don't expect forgiveness.
i just want to be
understood.
do you hear me now?
i am deaf -
i cannot wait for confession
anymore.

overflow

where does it go
when it overflows?

silence

the sound of silence
is loud
when you
are alone
it ticks
and creaks
like weary bones

i ask you

i ask you,
will you speak of suicide?
how does your darkness relate to pain?
i have written extensively on the subject of pain.
i do not expect my wounds to heal overnight.
i keep them at arms length,
slightly out of sight.
i should not hold onto delusions
of my madness,
that which has forsaken me
and deceived me
when there was light all around me.
and you,
i should not hold on to you
who cannot love me.

my brother

the great joy
the boy
my brother

wilting leaves

this plant
wanted life most
her clipping bled
and rooted down
faltering at first and failing
desperate she
grasping breath while wilting leaves
trembling with passing cars
found wet soil and
touched the sun

visceral energies

the turbine shifts
and water flows out, down, around.
there is a gush flooding
transmitting visceral energies
to healers and even
your kin
they wash up on the shoreline laughing
and transform into effigies
wandering
in the desert of roses
as bones
and coyotes
and mothers of children

only god knows

God is Here.
God is There.
God is Everywhere.

dance alone

i remember when
we cared for each other
and the winds were savage
that storm
took you away from me
you will miss me when
winter comes
and the skies are grey and there is no room
in your heart for sure
you are filled with shallow waters
they are brimming in your blue eyes that cannot cry
if there was ever a time to die
i held onto it far too long
pardon my softness
pardon my heart that bleeds
please forgive me
my breath is slow
i am nesting into pain
worn sheets draping over pine
my friends don't understand
when i am dancing
i am free

don't look

don't you even
look at me
you see me in the streets boy
you see
i was in love with another man boy
child boy
the whole time bro
don't make me laugh yo
i'm sorry you ran
your mouth
i'm sorry you're sick
man
you need help fam
don't you even
look at me
when you see me you better
run boy
and don't open your mouth
i was never your
toy

perfect pussy

fuck your war shit
i work hard for this diamond slit
you won't touch it
it's precious
fuck your war shit
i'm a precious bitch
i work hard for this diamond slit
you can fuck with that
base trick
make room for business
RIP

do you shit?

i'm vile
i shit up
i make mistakes
for fuck's sake
then god shows up and points to a light
on the ground and He says
'burn it with your darkness'
when boys come they burn it with their lightness
and you are grounded by the chains of their weakness
you say
'i'll burn it to the ground by candlelight'
and everyone holds hands
and dances

a poem a day for eleven days straight

there is no crass
do not pardon me
there is no love to feed on
i'm hungry
life's a gas
there are no heart strings
left to pull
(i played them all at twenty-two)
--
on a small hill in an imaginary place there is a golden cross
exalted in a pronounced venus de milo
under moonlight a dark woman cries for fucking
bare, she cries for love.
you buried your namesake and your mother's heirloom pearls
in my soft wet pussy
the last time we spoke
---
there is no god
there is no saviour
this is not a joke.
---
exalted construction workers bend sideways forever
when sirens sound they make up
and every time they hack
someone dies
the world over

feel

do you want to feel
my emotions
do you want to absorb
what i am feeling
i can bring you
to the water
do you want to make
love to me
i can hold you
under
if you stayed would it
be easier
if i was different would it
be
if i loved you
would you watch me
grow
alone

wilted flower

your pain is like a fresh-cut flower
wilting on the drop of a dime
and the sound it makes resonates
deep below my spine
i hold it up against the sky and cry
i wanted to show you
that there is a light in you
my heart sinks down,
down, down

ya, alright

how much do you hate me?
does your lust drag on into the night?
do you carve ahead
with courageous fright?
do you fuck me
out of mind, out of sight?
does your lust drag on into the night.
ya, you love me alright
do you smile at me out of spite?
ya, you hate me alright
out of mind
out of sight
you spent a long time on this freight
going nowhere
out of light

fingertips

like a tempest i dragged her back to that place
dreams, illusions and lies intertwined
into a story that is half-truth
she; frantic, remembering when;
fingering the old wound
burn it, soothe it, but it does not heal.
it festers and finds new pains
buried deep in child hood graves
though pray; i do
to find forgiveness in strength
i feel the cringe and the furrowed brow
and the light reflecting in your solemn hue
there's room in here for innocence
light, air, wind, softness
i heal with my fingertips

foolish mistakes

my favourite thing
is driving fast at night
down dark country roads
with just the headlights on
when the air is hot
and the windows are down
i think about crashing
at every turn
i feel the burn that my hot tires make
when the rubber is squealing
i've had too much to drink
i push the limits
in the name of the law
because i am abiding
and witness i saw
myself in the flames
in the car in the ditch
from the foolish mistakes
of the risks that i take

resting pose

"sa-va-sana. where the body finds stillness. until we reflect it into life.
this is non-violence."

the nicest thing

the nicest thing is
when someone loves you for who you are
without make-up on and in your clothes
with shoulders bare
and they look deep into your eyes
and you look into theirs
and there is a great moment of understanding
with a touch of melancholia
and beauty,
everything is perfect around you and there is no sound, no god, no world, no stars.
only your lovers eyes
and your freckles shine
and you feel,
you feel good

hopeless generation

i live in a hopeless generation
we don't have any fears
i have acne because
a) i am a woman
b) i am not perfect
c) i will be a mother one day
it's too bad you can't admit you are afraid
i know i'm sad
but i've resolved to let you go this way

chosen

your shadows
being great as they are
filled my room
and flowered
on the walls in bloom
a pervasive message
shook my soul
and dissipated against my will
like a scroll handed down from the gods
take this, and use it,
you are Chosen.
my light was weakened in your embrace
in your darkness i sunk to the bottom of the Earth
like a sun which cannot rise
the flames of my heart snuffed
by a flicker of your wicked tongue
which hisses into stillness for it cannot breathe.
yet pinning and drawing the inhale of light which empowers your art
and makes you greater than you deserve
i gave you my body to use
preying at the altar of my worship
i drank from the chalice
of your narcissistic abuse.

light the match

i light the match
i feed the fire
the grass is dry
it spreads like wild
the farmers say
its good for soil
it turns to ash
and burns all over

don't you see

don't you see
don't you see
don't tell me
i'm pret-ty
you can stroke your cock
and beat it off
but a fucking cunt
i'll always be

poison

i am polluted

i feed the noise

i take the poison

until it breathes

impending doom

psychic twin,
you said i was the bitter end -
do you feel my pain?
i press my palms to yours
and radiate energy
and you are gone
and I am all alone out here.
french lilac blossoms
a month late.
i feel the green against my skin
with grey skies sinking
into shallow graves
i dig.
what pounds bloody red
like a heart?
a rose,
in rock bed,
trampled by sin.

no one

no one loves art anymore
no one cries
for the sake of sensuality
no one understands
when my eyes flood with tears
i am experiencing some great love
hidden
from the depths of my soul.

prophetic dreams

you were angry and arrogant
the rooster denoting
a bad man
whose words are trite
but when we toured my home
and all its rooms we found
a pool
still and serene,
in mutual awe we stood
but did not swim.
certainly symbolizing
the depths of my subconscious
you would unearth great fears
of abandonment when,
the flood of your lies and
true colours shone
like the coral jowls swaying on your soft, pale chest
and as the torrents of rain flooded the field
my beautiful house came down.
following the explosion
there was a great fire
and i would not get near.
then,
an old lover spoke to me -
you are like a child.

freedom

is knowing you have the power
to dismantle any
other ideas people have
of you

jowls

yes i have it now
she points her finger in the air
i know it, i have it
you are a rooster
yes you are a PROUD COCK
indeed
she tilts her head back
in ecstasy
you have got to be kidding me
and all the colours
are angry

showing faces

you are
showing faces to me
letting faces go
shifting into cowards
i have your light
in my hand
of uninterrupted desires
i feel that
last dream
showed your true colours

meditations on stillness

there is something to be found, in a state of pure meditation, so priceless and divine that i wonder if it can ever be manifested in reality. who so often practices such stillness? when is one so honest? here i find a compassion true to the soul, a love unconditional, a peace and tranquility so ethereal and serene, only nature in its highest glory can imitate it. unadulterated Truth, in its manifest universal, tempers those ego drives which distract us from our true purpose. what work have we left to do? i long, restless and unsatisfied. is it for love? is it for freedom? is it for the work true to my soul? of course - i long to satisfy my spirit's journey, to break down the brick walls of the ego, to embrace you even when i am angry. and in those states of pure meditation i have found a Great forgiveness, a forgiveness that is impossible during waking moments. i have embraced all of you who have hurt me, unintentionally or not, you who have betrayed and abandoned me. i have cried, i have cried tears of pure joy sending you my loving energetic embrace. explosions of contempt; of fear, of jealousy, of losing control. but then again i am dragged back into the confines of reaction and i find my ego reasserting its power. my humanity mocks me. i am being tested! the ego must dissipate into stillness. i will find a place with Real Freedom. and then i will rest; satiated, tired, alone - with Love.

falling

i am falling
into a great
still body
a soft eruption
(awake)
bathing in
your moonlight

the man i love

the man i love
is a man i need
the man he is
is the man he'll be
when he lets go
he soon will see
the man he is
& ought to be

unloading

it has been a long time making
this winding unravelling
i hoped to find closure down a sunlit path
with spotted shade & green virginity
and ethereal breeze of lilac blossoming
and ocean salts which are not there
but burn my lips somehow
the willows thrashing
in the savage lake winds
like children laughing with their hands buried in soil
primordial,
it is understanding that
though our hearts are broken for each other
nothing can be reconciled with love
but only healed slowly.

thank you

thank you kindly, kitten -
i wonder if you realize the great favour you have paid me.
i wonder also if you realize how perfect you are for one another because
you are both so selfish, vapid and shallow
though you are truthfully not quite in my league
i don't blame you
for an easy lay from a good-looking man
with pebbles for brains
why, it has probably been a long time
(if ever)
for you, fool -
you wretchedly uncultivated, condominium woman
i wonder if you realize how many times i have played this scene in my mind
but why would you care, or apologize
when everything has always been about you.
please, don't believe i still regard you highly,
though i could never derive joy from your sadness or anxiety
i still think you are a conniving, lying bitch
and i hope it was worth my sanity.

inescapable scent

there is an earthy sensuality in your soul,
but you do not understand it.
nay, you know it so well that you will wander recklessly forever.
i want to believe that you are in fact a bad man,
that your mind is starved of emotional integrity
and that in your heart lies nothing more than a pile of discarded photographs.
but i find instead the regrets of old souls and raging ocean currents
hidden under heavy blankets.
i am sorry for you who is entangled in the web of my Great Love,
which is boundless for it knows not how to become old.
you,
you have pressed me against this wall that i am bound to cherish
for your scent will not escape me.

at the bottom

i swallow you whole
i want to keep you forever
you will live in my belly
i will eat your nose
so you can't sniff her out
i know you are
an animal
i swallow you whole
i swallow your nose
i swallow your cum but i don't want to
i only do it for you
i will keep you forever
you will live in my belly
i must hold you dear
to look in the mirror

the shits

i am wading in the shits
i am wading avant-garde for mother
i hold out my hands
for a soft fingertip on pursed lips
i find some small treasures
sometimes on dark trips
my jaw is clenched
but i throat-deep
in dicks
you can smile at me from over there
on your mossy perch
still i am
swimming in your tricks
on the intestine floor
i find tiny pricks
of smoky sapphire and amethyst
and pearls of blistering ulcers
and i see myself
when i go under
i go down, down, down
i close my eyes
and swallow

analog tonight

ANALOG
thoughts are becoming me
i spend too much time
on the internets
i still use ICQ
you can call me crazy
but only i know its true
you can say goodbye
but i won't leave you
no no no no no
i will love you forever
i am going analog tonight
i will call you
on my landline telephone
i will jump up and down
and dance with joy
for all the days
i loved you
until i am blue in the face
with moon

murky waters

elevens and threes
i think i might be
on the brink of insanity
i am seeing signs -
do they have expectations of my purity?
i ask, of course, with perfect humility.
my halo is not screwed on right.
my christmas lights are burnt out.
my wood is warped.
let's sit on this ledge
and hold on tight for dear life
like gargoyles with gaping mouths made of stone
and scream angels do you listen when i cry?
jesus do you exalt me only after i die?
i would raise my arms to you
god, but i am glued
i would like to know what it feels like to be a fool
without drifting into murky waters
my teeth
are encrusted with jewels

forgiveness

well how can i forgive
well i am not sure
but i do know i can't
lose you
i would like to
i don't have any sense
of mind
i would like to have
but i do know you are
so cool
well how can i forget
i used to
know you
but now i don't

birds in flight

on a clear day
you can see them
flying
well they are
birds in flight
smooth soft round belly
chewy like raw honey
shimmering purple
peacock ruffling
they are resting on ledges
and spilling beverages
until they
take off

crystal ball

imagine there is a crystal ball
it is smooth round glitter
transcending detachment
and infinite smiling

you cannot hold it