cards

of course
i played my hand
but i am trans
formed
bright river
flowing up
i can't
come down

inspiration

he was talking words and i wasn't listening to anything he was saying. he was walking around, panting, laughing. i tried to listen but i couldn't. there was music. i want to roll around all day. i want to play. i don't want to work. please don't make me work. he inspires me.

floating around

i like feeling light, light, light
dizzy on toes
fainting, head back
blood flowing down, down, down
tingling, numb,
floating around

the ghost

my apartment is cold. every time i step foot in here i want to shower a million times. i want to scrub all the filth off. i want to wash all the sins off. i want to feel warmth, baby, i want to feel some kind of fucking warmth again. i want to scrape the guilt off. but you can't. everything is a ghost in this apartment. i am a ghost. the light is making this shadow grow. i am walking around with great shadows. i am suffering silent, pale ghost white and shivering in sweaters. i am drowning in tears on satin pillows. i am eating art for breakfast, lunch and dinner. my last day in paris was raining and i walked the seine and no one noticed me crying. you can become a ghost over night if no one is watching.

9th floor

hold the door please.
which floor?
going up.
which floor?
the 9th floor.
there is no 9th floor.
take me there.
i can't.
take me to the 9th floor.
there is no 9th floor.
8th floor.
this is the 8th floor.
take me to the 9th floor.
i can't.
fuck me on the 9th floor.
i'm married.

the law of a circle

you see, the thing is, kid, there are two rules of nature in this world, there is one thing that dictates all events and i'll tell you what, kid, i'll tell you what right now if you're lucky. nothing matters, nothing resounds, nothing exists in this world except karma. karma is in fact the law of the universe, it is a rule that never falters, never lies, never fails. everything you do, kid, every single little thing, from the most minute to the most grandiose, comes back to you. this is the rule of the universe. it is the law of a circle. everything returns. now i know you think you've got this all figured out; you see, i used to be a kid once too. but life, if you're willing to really look, and really live, and really suffer and make art and hurt others, even unintentionally; you will see after a time the perpetuation of all actions, the cyclical nature of behaviours and how they relate to society and beyond. are you with me, kid? now the two rules are be good and be bad. you have to do both to really appreciate the other. this isn't linear space we're talking about here, kid. oh no. this is the law of the circle. and every little thing you do will come back to you. you'll see. karma is the angel who beckons you to do good and she is the temptress who tricks you into doing evil. but she just wants you to be whole, kid. that's all. we all just need to be whole. 

explain this to me

i am tired of walking in the dark
directionless darling
in these cities I Don't Care About
i am tired of your grand bazaars and winding markets
i am tired of your Sacre Coeur
frankly, the Arc de Triomphe is not big enough
i'll drink another bottle of Cotes du Rhone
but i still think Paris is a Laugh

i want to read henry miller in bed
i want to Lay in Your Embrace all day
i want to
even if it hurts i want it
i want to i want your
long fingers grasping madly at waist.
i don't care anymore
you can hurt me anymore
Nothing Fucking Matters.

i am tired of being alone
Deciphering Stupid Letters
oh i'm so tired
i don't know where i am anymore
but i'm so tired
of Imagining You

the turkish question

what is joy?

i wanna know myself
i wanna be myself
i wanna be a real HEDONIST
when i grow up
mama, yeah yeah yeah
i wanna fuck it all up
and live for today

the great Fire

(gioia, caro mio, perfezione,
fammi, fammi vedere
assoluto, completo, complessa
mi, me me me, scopa me
scopa me a paradiso, inferno
assolva me 
angelo, angelo mio
gioia della vita,
perfezione!)

the great Fire is burning 
all night.
burn me, burn me to the ground
so i can rise from the ashes.

i need to!
enlighten me Greatness 
absolve me Greatness
fuck me Greatness

hold me until the end of time.

porcelain doll

remember i am just a porcelain doll

i'll smash to pieces on your floor

milky white and out of sight

i'll cry and cry and cry 

all night.

sicilian winds

i had your hand in mine

with soft fingertips you stroke my palm

and lips of pillow pink

plush and wet

our mouths embrace one last time

your smell devours me

sweet sugar scent

patchouli

i run my tongue against your sweat
your fingers grazing languid at my waist
and almond eyes squint like a cat retracting his gaze
in fear of loving his master too much.

ruddy child you are
i kiss your smooth skin back
and sometimes i feel your touch behind me
whispering affection on my neck

like sicilian winds
slamming doors

cashing in

well, have you let yourself heal yet?

have you written new songs and do you still laugh long into the night?

does it linger like your heart strings a new chord on your guitar?

do you hit the right keys when everything is falling apart around you?

do you say 'I will' and run into the woods thrashing animal 

sunburnt, dried out, desert baby?

do you call out my name into the ocean's breath, begging for some benevolent reprieve?

the cold winter air capturing every syllable like a fox caught in trap?

well, which is it then?

will you race your heartbeat one last time or go limp like a soft lamb slaughtered?

down & out & up & over

if yr feeling sad drive 3 hours to the country blasting methodrone, pass every car driving less than 140 kilometres per hour, blazing middle fingers in the air, drive to the end of a long winding road, look around you, once, twice, three times for good luck, listen to the great lake lapping up the shore, take off all your clothes, let the people stare (who cares), jump in the water, baptize yourself one more time, let the sun reconstitute your naked body, raise your arms, scream FUCK!!!!!!!, get out, stand at the shore, dripping, dripping, dripping wet, cold, horizon facing, let the insects drink your blood, let the darkness in your soul bubble right up to the top, let the frothy bile foam right out of your throat, spit it out, wipe your mouth, swing a harsh gaze to both sides, onlookers amazed, look directly into the eye of the storm, look it right in its eye, tell it I FUCKING DARE YOU, I FUCKING DARE YOU TO TOUCH ME, pray that it does, pray that the lighting strikes right though you, thunder above, channeling its energy right down to your feet, let it electrify you (be careful not to kill), pick up the most beautiful stone, hold it, hold it, hold it, close your eyes, deep inhale the fragrant flower air, make it wet again, let it reveal it's glory one last time, throw it into the body, and turn around

enigmatic lover

hi, i would love to hear from you before i went away. you're not ready to let go. i still have some of your things. you borrowed my heart, and if we do break up, i'd like it back now. well, i'm waiting for your call. i'm making all the preparations for tomorrow. soon i'll be gone. maybe i won't come back this time. maybe i'll get swallowed up in a cold vast lake. maybe i'll drift away in a sweet summer breeze. maybe i'll run myself bone thin; sweating, panting like an animal. but i'll still be waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting. for your phone call. is there a chance we can still work this out? or is it all just cursed sadness? borne of sin. sinner re-born. i am borne of sin, but here i am. i made it somehow. anyway, i'll be here. i'm just waiting to hear from you. unless i get swallowed up, swallowed up in the abyss of your shadow. enigmatic lover, where are you now? will you wait for me?

NO!

nothing matters. nothing else matters.

meaningless mass of SHIT.

life is it. are you blind or just stupid?

fools. all of you.

POETRY

POETRY
POETRY
POETRY

HAHA
HA
HAHAHA

horoscopes don't count

when you're mad with desire
and unrequited sadness

they say

i was too big for you
too powerful for you
but i'm not sure its true
you see the truth is
i'm not sure if anyone will ever love me
as much as you do

a state of semi-sleeping

thick green mossy forest, pine sweet damp air, crystal lakes, snow covered mountain tops, ice, rich brown coin copper tree trunks, ribbed, ridges, rugged, wild blackberry bushes, bears, endless rolling hills, crisp, clean, clear, cool, full-grown hair, vast vapourous fog, mature, ripe, full summer leaves, leaving, swelling, breathing, breathing, dreaming

the fact is

i am sick inside
i will die sometime, its true
the fact is i am angry, i am sad, i am just like you
i would like to be good for you but i won't change my ways
i would like to be good for you but i hate myself too
the fact is i could be better, i could be someone like her
strong, healthy, happy, stable
but you see, i must be pure

i could try to save myself from these afflictions i fall prey
i could smoke less, i could drink less, i could work less, but i'd rather
seize the day
i could talk less, i could think less, i could care less, but i'd rather
make you stay

the fact is i am sick inside
i am dying, yes it's true
the fact is i am angry, i am sad, i am crazy
this i know for sure
this might be hard for you to understand now, but i promise
you'll see it soon
this might be hard for you to grasp, but in time
this will be over too

the fact is
i will smoke myself
to death
just for you

making myself sick

is the trick
to staying thin

upon a time

i was an angel
there was a time
i was in danger
upon a time

i was in danger
i lost my mind
i was in danger
i lost my mind

i drove the horses
into the pines
i wore my brooches
on silver lines

i was an angel
there was a time
i was in danger
i lost my mind

i screamed at patrons
i ripped my jeans
i yelled obscenities
i didn't mean

you said you loved me
you didn't fight
you said you needed me
you went to sleep

i was an angel
there was a time
i was in danger
i lost my mind

i scraped up changes
slept on your couch
i healed your wounds
while mine got deep

i am an angel
i am of time
i am in danger
i'll lose my mind

i am an angel
i am of time
i am in danger
i'll lose my mind

i read literature

but for some reason i write poetry. the critics tell me i am self-centered and narcissistic. they say i'm evil and sadistic. they say i try to sway the masses. into believing i am jesus.

filthy sin

some misery amiss the ashes.
some filthy sin to make you smile.

a memory is all yours

the hearth of your heart
your sentimentality
the art of your muse
of my womb
a child unborn
its all the things we ever said
its everything
its every single drug ever invented ingested in one single dose
its rat poison laced with bleach and skin eating diseases
its infection
the lying, crying, screaming, trying
its fists pounding on shards of glass and sharp red bricks
its murderous tricks
its every possible frustration expressed in boiling rage and strangled fucking
veins are popping
its blood, blood blood red like roses
essence of being
blinded
its everything i am
its all your love