don't forget baby suri / stockholm syndrome revisited

everyday this will become easier. i have not done anything to deserve this. my life was perfectly happy and healthy without you. being alone is ok. i am a strong, beautiful woman. you do not define my relationships. 11 years in august, but hardly a blink of an eye when you think about it. you treat me with the disdain of someone who offended you yesterday. my heart breaks for you. but i won't shed another tear. i should have dropped you forever in high school. this will all fade away and be forgotten soon. you are a dying memory now. a baggy-eyed sheet of a ghost. learning, i am embarrassed by my own naivety.

yes

i know you don't know what to say

this is all really emotional

plus the things i say are pretty irrational

sometimes intensely nerve-wracking and forgive me, impulsive

you know how i feel right

i could be the mother of your children

in recurring dreams i am

you would be the perfect husband in an ideal world

under ideal circumstances that will undoubtedly never arise

couldn't be so fortunate, too easy

we'll marry wrong and end up miserable

divorced with three ugly complacent children

some awful, heart-wrenching settlement

his affair, yours or mine

maybe a suicide for good measure

all kinds of healthy mistrust and loving resentment

those kinds of life-shattering mistakes you only see in films noir

they actually happen to people like you and me

you know what i mean right

you know how i feel?

it could happen to us if we aren't careful

after all, "it is sweeter now that you have tasted it too"

04/27

trash

i deeply regret the past five months of my life.

oh boy

ohhhhhh boy

halle lalla luja

the air smells so sweet and sticky it is going to rain. humid enough to get soaked on my bike and come home with baby soft hair and take a nap.

child hoods

laneways parked cars my only maltese brother ethnic novelty of our whitewashed town un-like our respective motherlands holding hands in connaught park still nervous kissing always nail-biting sneaking out late at night to drink a bottle of my father's homemade vino rosso hands down each other's pants running panting learning how to inhale battling my poor mother's psychotic behaviour suspensions followed stinking of cigarettes and hash oil kleptomaniac stealing absolutely anything the streets i slowly remember aberdeen my old basketball team touring southern ontario starting line got good grades made daddy proud what a brilliant shining star everything i produced you raved ms. mckeown i cannot recall if you were married faked id your older sister shared my freckled name threw those pig-patrolled parties gave up sport for sex and drugs partying is still exercise right social work-out thought i was unstoppable invincible fiercely intimidating self-depricating tendencies least apparent in youth "nothing resonates with you" little devil i was and angel at once hence i had many loves forever young and spirit-lasting feet tapping fingers snapping cream in his 69 dodge challenger hemi turbo custom leather whatever tanned-black-lustrous-sun-shining-curly-haired-trim-mustached-ray-banned-suave-smoking greek god "dionysus" my father's only true love haunts him like my mother's fainting smile the one that glimmers in me time to time of course margaret killed herself left the kids behind the other one floated away too freak car accident should have been my mother. bad luck with women he always said i came out of the womb dancing. everything is flooding back to me now, near distant past, the future is present: looming, dooming, ruing, ensuing. i will die in a self-proclaimed apocalypse of feeling.

deep in thought / you are making some noises

stories are fun to tell.
i should have become an actor.
you must think i am dramatic!
really i am
enigmatic.

promise.

feeling finicky

confusing feeeeeelings
eee i don't know what to do
i feeeel so overwhelmingly excited right now
i want to squeeeeeeze something
like a tuuuuuube of toothpaste
or clench my jaw like thiiiiiis
oh miserable confusion
irresistable confession
i dooooooo.

not-so-secret

you reserved a handshake for the right man and i thought how austere of you - but you remarked in jest that it was too late anyway, since you fucked his youngest daughter, she was a slut you know, they called her the paper bag princess, she wore her hair in pigtails, that coquettish fetish queen; ah, but her father smiled back at you and and laughed - "my dear boy, i took her virginity!"

i earned my soul

thinking so much the way i do.