child hoods

laneways parked cars my only maltese brother ethnic novelty of our whitewashed town un-like our respective motherlands holding hands in connaught park still nervous kissing always nail-biting sneaking out late at night to drink a bottle of my father's homemade vino rosso hands down each other's pants running panting learning how to inhale battling my poor mother's psychotic behaviour suspensions followed stinking of cigarettes and hash oil kleptomaniac stealing absolutely anything the streets i slowly remember aberdeen my old basketball team touring southern ontario starting line got good grades made daddy proud what a brilliant shining star everything i produced you raved ms. mckeown i cannot recall if you were married faked id your older sister shared my freckled name threw those pig-patrolled parties gave up sport for sex and drugs partying is still exercise right social work-out thought i was unstoppable invincible fiercely intimidating self-depricating tendencies least apparent in youth "nothing resonates with you" little devil i was and angel at once hence i had many loves forever young and spirit-lasting feet tapping fingers snapping cream in his 69 dodge challenger hemi turbo custom leather whatever tanned-black-lustrous-sun-shining-curly-haired-trim-mustached-ray-banned-suave-smoking greek god "dionysus" my father's only true love haunts him like my mother's fainting smile the one that glimmers in me time to time of course margaret killed herself left the kids behind the other one floated away too freak car accident should have been my mother. bad luck with women he always said i came out of the womb dancing. everything is flooding back to me now, near distant past, the future is present: looming, dooming, ruing, ensuing. i will die in a self-proclaimed apocalypse of feeling.

deep in thought / you are making some noises

stories are fun to tell.
i should have become an actor.
you must think i am dramatic!
really i am
enigmatic.

promise.

feeling finicky

confusing feeeeeelings
eee i don't know what to do
i feeeel so overwhelmingly excited right now
i want to squeeeeeeze something
like a tuuuuuube of toothpaste
or clench my jaw like thiiiiiis
oh miserable confusion
irresistable confession
i dooooooo.

not-so-secret

you reserved a handshake for the right man and i thought how austere of you - but you remarked in jest that it was too late anyway, since you fucked his youngest daughter, she was a slut you know, they called her the paper bag princess, she wore her hair in pigtails, that coquettish fetish queen; ah, but her father smiled back at you and and laughed - "my dear boy, i took her virginity!"

i earned my soul

thinking so much the way i do.

i fell in love with a bad bad man ever since i met him i've been sad sad sad.

where did this shiny new perspective come from? i quit smoking and gave up on you and i feel fucking great. neither were worthy-less. both were keeping me sick, selfish animals. i am not to be coveted. your desires will not bind me any longer, but i still lust for your fingertips, my precious, capricious lover. i am releasing some hidden reserve of strength. been stowing it here since childhood you know. i am out of control. this well's been dry for months. no rain, no pain, hallucinogenic thirst. nihilism is just getting comfortable, finally settling in. take your coat off, yes, please stay a while. this works, making it stink less, empty garbage can dreams. that must be citrus and lavender, what a lovely room spray.